2010-11-14 02:03:44 by Sun-Wukong
You wanna know the weirdest dream I've ever had? First, let me explain that my dreams always start one way and have no logical progression, but always end just different enough to not make sense, but similar enough that I can almost remember where they started. It's like a big blurry picture that gradually changes while simultaneously coming into focus. I assume most peoples are like that, but I digress.
What I can remember from the end of the dream is that I was in Dollar Tree, as were the characters from Law & Order: SVU. Something was going on with a male contraceptive, I think they needed to get one to examine for a case; I don't remember what the case was or why they would need one, or why they would have them in a Dollar Tree, but I do remember seeing what the case was in the omniscient 3rd person perspective that my dreams often start in. Again, blurry picture.
Anyway, Stabler and the Asian guy were questioning some denizens of the store for some reason, myself included, but the only other person I remember being there was Scrooge McDuck. Yes, the Scrooge McDuck from DuckTales was in a dream primarily about a new experimental male contraceptive and the detectives from Law & Order: SVU, taking place in the real world in a Dollar Tree. No particular reason either, he was just there.
For some reason the whole "Omniscient 3rd Person Perspective" thing kicked back in and I vaguely remember that the old duck was having some trouble with his extended family, and I oddly knew all of this in dream and felt sorry for him. Stabler started to get rough while interrogating him about something (at this point it had all fell to shit) but only verbally. He insinuated that his family didn't care about him and other such things to that effect, which was when I got angry.
So I grab Stabler and start fighting him for picking on Scrooge McDuck and say something like "I swear to God I will bash your head in!" while holding him up against a wall. He asks if I'm threatening an officer of the law and that when I start freaking out, because I realize I just flew into a rage over an animated character that I vaguely knew but shouldn't have known and started hyperventilating. I was begging not to be arrested as I went from being a cool guy in a weird-but-cool dream to a wuss in a complete nightmare, hoping that nothing bad happened, and then I woke up.
I sat up for a few seconds and thought What was I just dreaming about again? and then Wait, what? Truly a bizarre event that I will remember to the best of my ability as long as I live. I wouldn't give up these crazy dream stories for my life, even if they drive me to insanity. They're just too damn fun to reminisce about.
What follows is my entry for Cracked.com's Sketch Writing Contest, with the theme:
"Wow, That Powerpoint Presentation Did Not Go Well"
A room full of bored businessmen stare at a projection
screen, not even trying to feign interest. An anxious,
upbeat guy (GLEN) points at the screen with a long stick,
poking a pie chart colored different shades of gray.
...and as you can see, our annual
profits have gone down by two
percent. With my plan however, we
can flip that around!
One of the businessmen (DARREL) pulls out a bottle wrapped
in a brown paper bag. While Glen looks at the screen he
quickly takes a swig and puts it back in his coat pocket.
The first step in my plan, as I've
already demonstrated in this
presentation, is to stop using
color in any office documents. It
may not seem like much now, but
when you consider the total
savings from, say, all of the
printed copies I've left under
your chairs to look at for future
reference, it really adds up!
A few people look under their chairs and groan, but most
continue to stare absentmindedly. Darrel picks up the packet
and looks through it.
Slide three is about using the backs of old printed
documents to print new ones. Slide four is just a big block
of text that says "We'll spend half as much on paper every
Darrel crams the packet into his pocket and thinks.
a hint of sarcasm)
Thank God, I was running out of
I wonder if slide two is supposed
to be serious? Nah, someone must
have screwed with it while he was
Glen turns to look at the screen again, Darrel takes another
drink. The Power Point goes to slide two.
The next thing we can do- and this
is critical- is to not wash your
hands every time you go to the
bathroom. Believe me, no one will
care, and water is expensive.
You're joke- So we should use hand
Well I guess that could work, if
you wanted to bring your own or
Darrel takes another drink, this time Glen is looking right
DARREL is very drunk, his eyes are half shut and he's
smiling widely. GLEN is still presenting, now on slide
...and the biggest reason that
it's important to turn your
monitor off when you get up to use
Suddenly a younger man (STEVE) jumps onto the table.
This is so fucking boring!
Steve turns around and kicks someone out of their chair. Cue
Hey, settle down back there.
Glen is pointing his stick at Steve accusingly, from off
screen we hear a handgun get cocked. Darrel takes another
Sirens blare and everyone is huddled around GLEN, except for
DARREL, and STEVE who's nowhere to be found. One of the
people in the crowd (JOSH) stands up.
Okay, the ambulance is on their
way. You're gonna be alright,
Darrel is still sitting at his chair, flipping through the
Power Point packet.
Slide nine is titled "How The Local Bookie Can Actually Help
Our Business (As Long As We Don't Bet On The Rams)"
RANDOM WOMAN (O.S.)
There's no gunshot wound!
Josh takes a closer look at the projector screen and finds a
bullet whole about where Glen was standing.
Goddamn it, he didn't even get
Glen finally comes to.
CLOSE ON: Glen's Face.
The sound of the gunfire was just
so much, I must have blacked out.
Thank you every--
REVEAL: Everyone is back in their chairs. Darrel is taking
Now, getting back to the
Everyone groans, Darrel falls to the floor.
RANDOM WOMAN (V.O.)
I think Darrel's dead.
DARREL makes a very loud bowel movement.
Okay, he's dead. So, the next
thing we need to do...
HOMER IS SITTING IN THE EXAMINATION CHAIR LOOKING ANNOYED,
NOW EVEN THINNER; MARGE IS NEXT TO HIM. DR. HIBBERT WALKS
Now, your wife tells me that
you've been losing a lot of weight
and you're not sure why.
Maybe God loves me?
Look, I don't care why, all I know
is that I feel great. A little
light headed, maybe, but still
Tell me, has Homer been
experiencing any other signs of...
No, not really.
I suppose it could be Narcolepsy,
but that wouldn't explain such
rapid weight loss.
Hold on, we may need to take a few
AN X-RAY OF HOMER'S STOMACH IS ON THE PROJECTOR, INFESTED
WITH A LARGE TAPEWORM.
That thing is inside me?
Yes, it's hooked onto your large
intestine, eating everything you
eat; slowly draining you.
So it's like a baby?
Not really, maybe a lit--
Cool. Maybe I can teach it to like
Homer, this is serious. If you
don't get it removed it will kill
Okay, what do I need to do?
You can't eat anything for the
next twenty four hours, then you
need to take this pill.
HOMER IS SITTING ON THE COUCH BETWEEN BART AND LISA, MARGE
IS HOLDING A TIMER.
You still have another twenty
three and a half hours left,
MARGE SITS THE TIMER ON THE TABLE.
How did you even get a tape worm
I dunno. How do you get a tape
Eating raw or undercooked food,
Nothing comes to mind.
Oh wait, there was that steak I
ate the other night.
I was gonna deep fry it, but
someone put a padlock on the
You could have pan fried it.
I was tired. I didn't wanna go
back to bed with an empty stomach
Wait. Since when do we have steak
just lying around?
HOMER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH FOR A MOMENT.
Well, that killed five minutes.
HOMER STARTS TWIDDLING HIS THUMBS, THE REST OF THE FAMILY
LOOK AROUND AWKWARDLY. HOMER GRABS THE REMOTE AND TURNS ON
KENT BROCKMAN (V.O.)
...Unfortunately, the orangutan
had to be put down. And now,
Ohh, I never would have let that
happen. Not until I got bored with
it at least.
SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER LETS OUT A SCARED YELP. EVERYONE
CONTINUES TO FIDGET NERVOUSLY.
I need food!
HOMER RUSHES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN, THE FAMILY LEAPS AT HIM
AND GRAB HIS ANKLES. HOMER LIES DOWN AND STARTS WHIMPERING.
I'm just so hungy...
Now I'm tired... See ya in the
CLOSE ON: HOMER FALLS ASLEEP AND STARTS SNORING.
HOMER GETS UP, MARGE IS HOLDING A PLASTIC CUP WITH A PILL IN
HOMER TAKES THE PILL AND CHEWS IT.
Okay, now what?
HOMER CLUTCHES HIS STOMACH, THEN RUNS FOR THE BATHROOM.
Oh God, it's like passing a brick!
THE FAMILY SITS IN THEIR USUAL POSITIONS IN THE CAR, THE
DEEP FRYER IS IN THE BACK.
Oh mama, I'm gonna make so many
foods even worse for me!
Homer, I don't want you to overdo
it. You're not the healthiest man
alive, you know.
IN THE BACKGROUND, THE PLOW KING DRIVES ALONGSIDE THE CAR.
THE BACK WINDOW IS BROKEN AND BARNEY IS TIED UP IN THE
TRUCK-BED. SNAKE IS DRIVING WHILE THE ORANGUTAN PLAYS AIR
GUITAR IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.
I finally fulfill my life-long
dream of owning a deep fryer and I
can't even have fun with it.
Your life-long dream was to own an
orangutan! I guess you kind of
missed your opportunity to do that
today, but I've never heard you
say anything about wanting a deep
I'm a fat guy, Marge, it should go
without saying. It'll be like
eating at a carnival but everyday!
And then on Thanksgiving, we can
fry a turkey instead of baking it.
talking more to
himself than Marge)
No wait, scratch that, we can fry
a turkey on every holiday, even
the ones where we wouldn't
normally have a turkey!
Come on, we can use old coat
hangers to dunk the turkeys in.
I know how much you like finding
new uses for things instead of
just throwing them out.
That's true. Okay, we can do
something fun with it tonight, but
after that I want you to use it
HOMER SWERVES JUST IN TIME TO MAKE AN EXIT ON THEIR LEFT.
SNAKE TURNS HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TOWARDS THE BACK WINDOW.
I just want to let you know that
it's nothing personal, drunky.
This orangutan is just the only
thing to show me any kindness
since Gloria left me. She says I
was "abusive", but Tangy here
knows I'm only kidding her.
SNAKE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD WHILE HE TALKS, THE
ORANGUTAN GRABS THE WHEEL TO AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
Isn't that right, banana bunch?
That's the third time this exact
thing has happened!
Aw, that's nice... Is there any
beer left in my glove box? I'm
startin' to sober up.
Looks like some spilled out a
while back and hasn't been cleaned
That's fine, I'm pretty sure
there's a bag of bendy straws
under the driver's seat. Could you
toss some of 'em back here?
SNAKE GETS A SLIGHTLY ANNOYED LOOK ON HIS FACE AND TOSSES
THE BAG BEHIND HIS SHOULDER. A STRING OF SEVERAL BENDY
STRAWS EMERGES FROM THE HOLE IN THE BACK WINDOW AND JABS
SNAKE IN THE FACE.
You know what? I changed my mind,
you can't have any.
HOMER IS HOLDING A SAUSAGE ON A SKEWER; HE WRAPS A SLICE OF
BACON AROUND IT AND DIPS IT IN A JAR OF BUTTER.
Don't you think that's a little
It's only for tonight, I swear.
MARGE LEAVES; HOMER FRIES THE SAUSAGE AND EATS IT IN ONE
Hmm, I'm in the mood for fries
now... Toss me a potato, Lisa.
LISA PICKS UP TWO POTATOES; THROWS ONE TO HOMER AND STARTS
CUTTING THE OTHER ONE RAW.
Honey, you don't eat food raw. You
might get sick.
It's a vegetable, dad. Cooking it
only gets rid of nutrients.
(Looks at potato)
Oh, I don't wanna spend time
slicing this. I wanna eat it now.
HOMER'S BRAIN (V.O.)
Just dunk the whole thing in
BART WALKS IN THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN.
HOMER'S BRAIN (V.O.)
That's what I'm here for.
And I thank you for it.
HOMER STICKS THE POTATO ON A SKEWER AND FRIES IT; WALKS OFF
EATING IT. LISA LOOKS ON, CONCERNED; BART IS UNFAZED.
HOMER'S STOMACH RUMBLES WHILE HE LIES IN BED.
So many foods left uneaten... left
HOMER WALKS TO THE FRYER AND SEES THAT THERE'S A PADLOCK
WITH A NOTE FROM MARGE.
Come on, I just wanted a midnight
(Looks at fridge)
HE OPENS THE FRIDGE AND PULLS OUT A STEAK; LOOKS AT IT,
SHRUGS AND STARTS EATING IT RAW.
SNAKE IS HOLDING A GUN TO BARNEY'S BACK IN THE PARKING LOT,
BARNEY IS SOBER, BUT HIS HAIR IS STILL MESSY.
Now go in there and tell them that
the orangutan you bought ran away
and you have no idea where it
Okay, just stop pokin' me with
BARNEY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, THE BAR FLIES ARE IN THERE
USUAL PLACE; HOMER IS INHALING A BOWL OF PEANUTS.
Hey Homer, that's the third bowl
today. I ain't smugglin' elephants
for the mob no more, I don't keep
peanuts stock piled in the back.
Sorry Moe, I just can't seem to
get full. Do you have anything a
BARNEY SITS DOWN AND INTERRUPTS.
Hello everyone. I am sad that my
orangutan ran away and I can not
find her. I have no idea where she
could have gone.
That's nice. Are you gonna order
anything or just sit there?
HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET TO FIND THAT IT'S EMPTY.
Hey, he stole my money!
(Beat, he looks
at the door)
I have to go, I don't need
BARNEY LEAVES WITH AN ANGRY EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.
Yeah yeah, see ya in a week.
-- MOE TURNS TO HOMER AND SITS A PLATE WITH A BRICK DOWN
ON THE COUNTER.
That heavy enough for ya?
BARNEY KNOCKS THE GUN FROM SNAKE'S HAND.
The orangutan was one thing, I can
understand that. My money was a
step to far though.
I'm a criminal, what'd you expect?
BARNEY STANDS AND THINKS FOR A MOMENT. HE HUGS SNAKE, THEN
PUNCHES HIM AND GETS IN THE PLOW KING. HE COMBS HIS HAIR
BACK AND DRIVES AWAY, STILL UPSET.
So I can keep her? Alright, let's
SNAKE BREAKS INTO A CAR AND HOT WIRES IT, THE BAR DOOR OPENS
AS HE DRIVES OFF.
My car! Even if I get it back the
monkey dander'll never come out.
HOMER COMES OUT OF THE BAR, HOLDING HIS STOMACH LIGHTLY.
You wanna ride? I gotta go anyway.
I'm good, thanks though.
HOMER GETS IN HIS CAR AS LENNY GOES BACK INSIDE.
Ooh, maybe I shouldn't have eaten
LENNY SITS DOWN NEXT TO CARL.
Can I have a ride home?
Sorry, I got a date on the other
side of town.
HOMER IS A FEW BLOCKS AWAY FROM MOE'S.
What the hell was that?
MARGE IS IN BED ALONE, THE BATHROOM DOOR IS OPEN.
Hey, I lost five pounds.
Are you sure? Maybe you're leaning
on the towel rack again.
The scale isn't next to it
anymore, I really lost five
That's wonderful. What kind of
exercise have you been doing?
None that I'm aware of.
Are you eating better?
Does sausage instead of pepperoni
Are you sure you're not just sick?
Sick of being fat, maybe. I'm not
gonna look a gift horse in the
mouth, so good nigh--
HOMER COLLAPSES NEXT TO THE BED, MARGE GETS UP AND KNEELS
DOWN NEXT TO HIM.
I was going to post this on the writing forum, but I didn't want to risk screwing up the formatting and not being able to edit it. So, please enjoy:
A LOGO FOR "COPS: IN SPRINGFIELD". APPEARS ON SCREEN.
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
EDDIE AND LOU ARE CHASING BEHIND CHIEF WIGGUM, WHO'S
PURSUING SNAKE JAILBIRD ON FOOT. SNAKE STARTS TO CLIMB A
FENCE BUT GETS ELECTROCUTED AND FALLS TO THE GROUND,
SMOLDERING AND MOANING IN PAIN. WIGGUM LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.
(Out of breath)
Okay, we've caught up with
the perpetrator. Now...
HE LOOKS DOWN, THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO SHOW THAT SNAKE IS
HOLDING A GUN.
CHIEF WIGGUM (CONT'D)
Eh, he's still armed. Better hand
me the Taser, Lou.
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
CHIEF WIGGUM AND LOU ARE IN THE FRONT SEATS; EDDIE IS
SITTING ON THE FAR LEFT WITH SNAKE BETWEEN HIM AND THE
Now before we take him down to the
Police Department, we're gonna
retrieve the stolen property from
his hideaway, since he was nice
enough to tell us where it is.
I don't know chief, seems like
some kind of trap.
Aw jeez Lou, can't you just trust
somebody for once? Maybe if you
did, your wife wouldn't have left
THEY ALL SIT SILENTLY FOR A MOMENT.
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
CHIEF WIGGUM UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND STEPS IN. HE TURNS ON THE
LIGHT TO REVEAL A COMPLETELY BARE ROOM, EXCEPT THAT THERE'S
AN ORANGUTAN LYING ON THE BED. WIGGUM'S MOUTH HANGS OPEN.
THE CAMERA TURNS AROUND AND SNAKE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF
THE LOCKED DOOR; HE POINTS AT CHIEF WIGGUM.
Haha, Sick him Tangy.
THE CAMERA IS STILL FOCUSED ON SNAKE. CHIEF WIGGUM CRIES OUT
IN PAIN WHILE THE ORANGUTAN SHRIEKS ANGRILY.
THE ORANGUTAN, NOW HEAVILY SEDATED,
IS STRAPPED TO THE ROOF OF THE CAR.
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
I may have gotten scratched up
pretty bad. In fact, part of my
brain is exposed under this hat,
but I'm proud to say that
this orangutan is going to be
released back into the wild.
OVERLAPPING WITH THE LAST OF HIS DIALOGUE, A MESSAGE APPEARS
BELOW THAT READS "ORANGUTAN NOW AVAILABLE AT LOCAL POLICE
HOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH HIS ARMS IN THE
Omigod, oh my GOD!
THE REST OF THE FAMILY RUSH INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
What? What is it?
(Pointing at the TV)
Police auction, amazing deals,
CHEAP PRE-OWNED MONKEY FOR SALE!
Dad, it's wrong keep an animal
like that in captivity.
CLOSE ON: LISA'S FACE
Besides, an orangutan is part of
the great ape family. Monkeys have
REVEAL: VISIBLE THROUGH THE WINDOW, HOMER IS RUNNING OUT TO
Used monkey, people! Come on. Move
it or lose it.
-- EVERYONE WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AT AN APATHETIC PACE,
EXCEPT FOR BART WHO LOOKS CONCERNED.
HOMER AND LISA ARE SITTING IN THE CAR, BART STANDS OUTSIDE
Dad, don't you think this is a
little dangerous? They arrest that
guy once a month, what if he
Now that I think about it, didn't
you already buy a car that
belonged to him? It's almost like
we're running out of new things to
Don't worry kids. A car is one
thing, but this is a monkey. Who's
gonna care that much about a
monkey? I mean, they're so
(Winks at the screen)
You seemed pretty exited about it.
That's because I appreciate the
little-- Ooh, there's a penny on
It's not even on heads.
Who says that matters?
(Looks down at floor mat)
Oh my God, another penny!
BART SHRUGS AND GETS INTO THE CAR.
That's a melted caramel candy.
AN OLDER MAN STANDS AT A PODIUM WITH A GAVEL.
...And the primate goes to the
portly gentleman with whiskey on
Alright, I sure am glad I fell off
the wagon again or I never would
have thought this was a good
D'oh! Lousy Barney, stealin' my
Again, I'd like to point out that
orangutans are apes, not monk--
RANDOM CROWD MEMBER
I know, but I keep trying...
The last item up for bid is this
outdated prison cafeteria deep
fryer, used by a mask-wearing
sociopath to splash hot oil on a
fellow inmates face. Barely used,
do I hear fifty dollars?
(raising his paddle)
Fifty one dollars!
EVERYONE IS SILENT.
Is that all then?
Going once, going twi-- oh come
on! Only one person wants to bid?
You don't know what it's like in
there, we need money! We can't
even afford to use the real
electric chair any more, it's just
a kiddy pool and a toaster!
COMIC BOOK STORE GUY
I would have multiple reasons to
buy it, yes, but I already spent
all the money I brought on this.
COMIC BOOK STORE GUY HOLDS UP A CLOTH WITH A MOVING
RORSCHACH TEST ON IT.
Fine, fine. Sold to the balding
man in blue pants.
BARNEY IS LEADING THE ORANGUTAN TO THE PLOW KING, HOLDING
Now you get into the passenger
seat and I can use the carpool
lane to get to MOE'S in time for
BARNEY SITS DOWN, SNAKE JAILBIRD IN AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT PEERS
THROUGH THE WINDOW FROM THE TRUCK BED. AS BARNEY PULLS OUT
OF THE PARKING LOT, AN OMINOUS SCORE STARTS TO PLAY.
Just an idea for a level in a future Super Smash Bros. game, and I don't have a Photobucket account.