I was going to post this on the writing forum, but I didn't want to risk screwing up the formatting and not being able to edit it. So, please enjoy:
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ACT ONE
A LOGO FOR "COPS: IN SPRINGFIELD". APPEARS ON SCREEN.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
EDDIE AND LOU ARE CHASING BEHIND CHIEF WIGGUM, WHO'S
PURSUING SNAKE JAILBIRD ON FOOT. SNAKE STARTS TO CLIMB A
FENCE BUT GETS ELECTROCUTED AND FALLS TO THE GROUND,
SMOLDERING AND MOANING IN PAIN. WIGGUM LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.
CHIEF WIGGUM
(Out of breath)
Okay, we've caught up with
the perpetrator. Now...
HE LOOKS DOWN, THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO SHOW THAT SNAKE IS
HOLDING A GUN.
CHIEF WIGGUM (CONT'D)
Eh, he's still armed. Better hand
me the Taser, Lou.
TV STATIC TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER - LATER
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
CHIEF WIGGUM AND LOU ARE IN THE FRONT SEATS; EDDIE IS
SITTING ON THE FAR LEFT WITH SNAKE BETWEEN HIM AND THE
CAMERA MAN.
CHIEF WIGGUM
Now before we take him down to the
Police Department, we're gonna
retrieve the stolen property from
his hideaway, since he was nice
enough to tell us where it is.
LOU
I don't know chief, seems like
some kind of trap.
CHIEF WIGGUM
Aw jeez Lou, can't you just trust
somebody for once? Maybe if you
did, your wife wouldn't have left
you.
THEY ALL SIT SILENTLY FOR A MOMENT.
LOU
Y-yeah...
TV STATIC TO:
E/I. JAILBIRD'S MOTEL ROOM - LATER STILL
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
CHIEF WIGGUM UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND STEPS IN. HE TURNS ON THE
LIGHT TO REVEAL A COMPLETELY BARE ROOM, EXCEPT THAT THERE'S
AN ORANGUTAN LYING ON THE BED. WIGGUM'S MOUTH HANGS OPEN.
CLICK
THE CAMERA TURNS AROUND AND SNAKE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF
THE LOCKED DOOR; HE POINTS AT CHIEF WIGGUM.
SNAKE
Haha, Sick him Tangy.
THE CAMERA IS STILL FOCUSED ON SNAKE. CHIEF WIGGUM CRIES OUT
IN PAIN WHILE THE ORANGUTAN SHRIEKS ANGRILY.
TV STATIC TO:
E/I. POLICE CRUISER - DAWN
THE ORANGUTAN, NOW HEAVILY SEDATED,
IS STRAPPED TO THE ROOF OF THE CAR.
CAMERA MAN'S POV:
CHIEF WIGGUM
I may have gotten scratched up
pretty bad. In fact, part of my
brain is exposed under this hat,
(pointing)
but I'm proud to say that
this orangutan is going to be
released back into the wild.
OVERLAPPING WITH THE LAST OF HIS DIALOGUE, A MESSAGE APPEARS
BELOW THAT READS "ORANGUTAN NOW AVAILABLE AT LOCAL POLICE
AUCTION"
REVEAL:
INT. SIMPSON HOME - DAY
HOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH HIS ARMS IN THE
AIR.
HOMER
Omigod, oh my GOD!
THE REST OF THE FAMILY RUSH INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
MARGE
What? What is it?
HOMER
(Pointing at the TV)
Police auction, amazing deals,
CHEAP PRE-OWNED MONKEY FOR SALE!
LISA
Dad, it's wrong keep an animal
like that in captivity.
CLOSE ON: LISA'S FACE
LISA (CONT'D)
Besides, an orangutan is part of
the great ape family. Monkeys have
tails.
REVEAL: VISIBLE THROUGH THE WINDOW, HOMER IS RUNNING OUT TO
THE CAR.
HOMER
Used monkey, people! Come on. Move
it or lose it.
HONK-- EVERYONE WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AT AN APATHETIC PACE,
EXCEPT FOR BART WHO LOOKS CONCERNED.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
HOMER AND LISA ARE SITTING IN THE CAR, BART STANDS OUTSIDE
THE DOOR.
BART
Dad, don't you think this is a
little dangerous? They arrest that
guy once a month, what if he
escapes again?
LISA
Now that I think about it, didn't
you already buy a car that
belonged to him? It's almost like
we're running out of new things to
do...
HOMER
Don't worry kids. A car is one
thing, but this is a monkey. Who's
gonna care that much about a
monkey? I mean, they're so
different. Too.
(Winks at the screen)
BART
You seemed pretty exited about it.
HOMER
That's because I appreciate the
little-- Ooh, there's a penny on
the ground!
BART
It's not even on heads.
HOMER
Who says that matters?
(Looks down at floor mat)
Oh my God, another penny!
BART SHRUGS AND GETS INTO THE CAR.
LISA
That's a melted caramel candy.
HOMER
(Eating)
Even better.
EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER
AN OLDER MAN STANDS AT A PODIUM WITH A GAVEL.
AUCTIONEER
...And the primate goes to the
portly gentleman with whiskey on
his breath.
BARNEY
Alright, I sure am glad I fell off
the wagon again or I never would
have thought this was a good
idea...
HOMER
D'oh! Lousy Barney, stealin' my
monkey...
LISA
Again, I'd like to point out that
orangutans are apes, not monk--
RANDOM CROWD MEMBER
Nobody cares!
LISA
(deflated, sighs)
I know, but I keep trying...
AUCTIONEER
The last item up for bid is this
outdated prison cafeteria deep
fryer, used by a mask-wearing
sociopath to splash hot oil on a
fellow inmates face. Barely used,
do I hear fifty dollars?
HOMER
(raising his paddle)
Fifty one dollars!
EVERYONE IS SILENT.
AUCTIONEER
Is that all then?
(Sighs)
Going once, going twi-- oh come
on! Only one person wants to bid?
You don't know what it's like in
there, we need money! We can't
even afford to use the real
electric chair any more, it's just
a kiddy pool and a toaster!
COMIC BOOK STORE GUY
I would have multiple reasons to
buy it, yes, but I already spent
all the money I brought on this.
COMIC BOOK STORE GUY HOLDS UP A CLOTH WITH A MOVING
RORSCHACH TEST ON IT.
AUCTIONEER
Fine, fine. Sold to the balding
man in blue pants.
HOMER
Woohoo!
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
BARNEY IS LEADING THE ORANGUTAN TO THE PLOW KING, HOLDING
ITS HAND.
BARNEY
Now you get into the passenger
seat and I can use the carpool
lane to get to MOE'S in time for
happy hour.
BARNEY SITS DOWN, SNAKE JAILBIRD IN AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT PEERS
THROUGH THE WINDOW FROM THE TRUCK BED. AS BARNEY PULLS OUT
OF THE PARKING LOT, AN OMINOUS SCORE STARTS TO PLAY.