ACT TWO
INT. FAMILY SEDAN - DUSK
THE FAMILY SITS IN THEIR USUAL POSITIONS IN THE CAR, THE
DEEP FRYER IS IN THE BACK.
HOMER
Oh mama, I'm gonna make so many
foods even worse for me!
MARGE
Homer, I don't want you to overdo
it. You're not the healthiest man
alive, you know.
IN THE BACKGROUND, THE PLOW KING DRIVES ALONGSIDE THE CAR.
THE BACK WINDOW IS BROKEN AND BARNEY IS TIED UP IN THE
TRUCK-BED. SNAKE IS DRIVING WHILE THE ORANGUTAN PLAYS AIR
GUITAR IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.
HOMER
(Sighs)
I finally fulfill my life-long
dream of owning a deep fryer and I
can't even have fun with it.
MARGE
Your life-long dream was to own an
orangutan! I guess you kind of
missed your opportunity to do that
today, but I've never heard you
say anything about wanting a deep
fryer.
HOMER
I'm a fat guy, Marge, it should go
without saying. It'll be like
eating at a carnival but everyday!
And then on Thanksgiving, we can
fry a turkey instead of baking it.
(Enraptured,
talking more to
himself than Marge)
No wait, scratch that, we can fry
a turkey on every holiday, even
the ones where we wouldn't
normally have a turkey!
MARGE
Homey--
HOMER
Come on, we can use old coat
hangers to dunk the turkeys in.
(Pleading)
I know how much you like finding
new uses for things instead of
just throwing them out.
MARGE
That's true. Okay, we can do
something fun with it tonight, but
after that I want you to use it
sparingly.
HOMER
Deal!
HOMER SWERVES JUST IN TIME TO MAKE AN EXIT ON THEIR LEFT.
E/I. THE PLOW KING - CONTINUOUS
SNAKE TURNS HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TOWARDS THE BACK WINDOW.
SNAKE
I just want to let you know that
it's nothing personal, drunky.
This orangutan is just the only
thing to show me any kindness
since Gloria left me. She says I
was "abusive", but Tangy here
knows I'm only kidding her.
SNAKE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD WHILE HE TALKS, THE
ORANGUTAN GRABS THE WHEEL TO AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
SNAKE (CONT'D)
Isn't that right, banana bunch?
ORANGUTAN (SUBTITLE)
That's the third time this exact
thing has happened!
BARNEY
Aw, that's nice... Is there any
beer left in my glove box? I'm
startin' to sober up.
SNAKE
Looks like some spilled out a
while back and hasn't been cleaned
up yet.
BARNEY
That's fine, I'm pretty sure
there's a bag of bendy straws
under the driver's seat. Could you
toss some of 'em back here?
SNAKE GETS A SLIGHTLY ANNOYED LOOK ON HIS FACE AND TOSSES
THE BAG BEHIND HIS SHOULDER. A STRING OF SEVERAL BENDY
STRAWS EMERGES FROM THE HOLE IN THE BACK WINDOW AND JABS
SNAKE IN THE FACE.
SNAKE
You know what? I changed my mind,
you can't have any.
INT. SIMPSON HOME/KITCHEN - NIGHT
HOMER IS HOLDING A SAUSAGE ON A SKEWER; HE WRAPS A SLICE OF
BACON AROUND IT AND DIPS IT IN A JAR OF BUTTER.
MARGE
Don't you think that's a little
much?
HOMER
It's only for tonight, I swear.
MARGE LEAVES; HOMER FRIES THE SAUSAGE AND EATS IT IN ONE
BITE.
HOMER (CONT'D)
Hmm, I'm in the mood for fries
now... Toss me a potato, Lisa.
LISA PICKS UP TWO POTATOES; THROWS ONE TO HOMER AND STARTS
CUTTING THE OTHER ONE RAW.
HOMER (CONT'D)
Honey, you don't eat food raw. You
might get sick.
LISA
It's a vegetable, dad. Cooking it
only gets rid of nutrients.
HOMER
Suit yourself.
(Looks at potato)
Oh, I don't wanna spend time
slicing this. I wanna eat it now.
HOMER'S BRAIN (V.O.)
Just dunk the whole thing in
there, man.
BART WALKS IN THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN.
HOMER
Good idea.
HOMER'S BRAIN (V.O.)
That's what I'm here for.
HOMER
And I thank you for it.
HOMER STICKS THE POTATO ON A SKEWER AND FRIES IT; WALKS OFF
EATING IT. LISA LOOKS ON, CONCERNED; BART IS UNFAZED.
INT. SIMPSON HOME/MASTER BEDROOM - LATER
HOMER'S STOMACH RUMBLES WHILE HE LIES IN BED.
HOMER
So many foods left uneaten... left
unfried...
INT. SIMPSON HOME/KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
HOMER WALKS TO THE FRYER AND SEES THAT THERE'S A PADLOCK
WITH A NOTE FROM MARGE.
HOMER
Come on, I just wanted a midnight
snack.
(Looks at fridge)
Oh well...
HE OPENS THE FRIDGE AND PULLS OUT A STEAK; LOOKS AT IT,
SHRUGS AND STARTS EATING IT RAW.
E/I. MOE'S - DAY
SNAKE IS HOLDING A GUN TO BARNEY'S BACK IN THE PARKING LOT,
BARNEY IS SOBER, BUT HIS HAIR IS STILL MESSY.
SNAKE
Now go in there and tell them that
the orangutan you bought ran away
and you have no idea where it
went.
BARNEY
Okay, just stop pokin' me with
that thing.
BARNEY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, THE BAR FLIES ARE IN THERE
USUAL PLACE; HOMER IS INHALING A BOWL OF PEANUTS.
MOE
Hey Homer, that's the third bowl
today. I ain't smugglin' elephants
for the mob no more, I don't keep
peanuts stock piled in the back.
HOMER
Sorry Moe, I just can't seem to
get full. Do you have anything a
little heavier?
BARNEY SITS DOWN AND INTERRUPTS.
BARNEY
(Forced)
Hello everyone. I am sad that my
orangutan ran away and I can not
find her. I have no idea where she
could have gone.
MOE
That's nice. Are you gonna order
anything or just sit there?
BARNEY
Sure, just--
HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET TO FIND THAT IT'S EMPTY.
BARNEY (CONT'D)
Hey, he stole my money!
MOE
Who?
BARNEY
No one.
(Beat, he looks
at the door)
I have to go, I don't need
a drink.
BARNEY LEAVES WITH AN ANGRY EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.
MOE
Yeah yeah, see ya in a week.
SLAM-- MOE TURNS TO HOMER AND SITS A PLATE WITH A BRICK DOWN
ON THE COUNTER.
MOE (CONT'D)
That heavy enough for ya?
BARNEY KNOCKS THE GUN FROM SNAKE'S HAND.
BARNEY
The orangutan was one thing, I can
understand that. My money was a
step to far though.
SNAKE
I'm a criminal, what'd you expect?
BARNEY STANDS AND THINKS FOR A MOMENT. HE HUGS SNAKE, THEN
PUNCHES HIM AND GETS IN THE PLOW KING. HE COMBS HIS HAIR
BACK AND DRIVES AWAY, STILL UPSET.
SNAKE
So I can keep her? Alright, let's
go.
SNAKE BREAKS INTO A CAR AND HOT WIRES IT, THE BAR DOOR OPENS
AS HE DRIVES OFF.
LENNY
My car! Even if I get it back the
monkey dander'll never come out.
HOMER COMES OUT OF THE BAR, HOLDING HIS STOMACH LIGHTLY.
HOMER
You wanna ride? I gotta go anyway.
LENNY
I'm good, thanks though.
HOMER GETS IN HIS CAR AS LENNY GOES BACK INSIDE.
HOMER
Ooh, maybe I shouldn't have eaten
it...
LENNY SITS DOWN NEXT TO CARL.
LENNY
Can I have a ride home?
CARL
Sorry, I got a date on the other
side of town.
INT. FAMILY SEDAN - CONTINUOUS
HOMER IS A FEW BLOCKS AWAY FROM MOE'S.
LENNY (O.S.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
HOMER
What the hell was that?
INT. SIMPSON HOME/MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
MARGE IS IN BED ALONE, THE BATHROOM DOOR IS OPEN.
HOMER (O.S.)
Hey, I lost five pounds.
MARGE
Are you sure? Maybe you're leaning
on the towel rack again.
HOMER
The scale isn't next to it
anymore, I really lost five
pounds!
MARGE
That's wonderful. What kind of
exercise have you been doing?
HOMER
None that I'm aware of.
MARGE
Are you eating better?
HOMER
Does sausage instead of pepperoni
count?
MARGE
Are you sure you're not just sick?
HOMER
Sick of being fat, maybe. I'm not
gonna look a gift horse in the
mouth, so good nigh--
HOMER COLLAPSES NEXT TO THE BED, MARGE GETS UP AND KNEELS
DOWN NEXT TO HIM.