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Sun-Wukong
I thought I was a furry once. Turned out it was just gas.

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Screenplay, "Annual Profit Margins (And How To Improve Them)"

Posted by Sun-Wukong - October 24th, 2010


What follows is my entry for Cracked.com's Sketch Writing Contest, with the theme:

"Wow, That Powerpoint Presentation Did Not Go Well"

--------------------------------------

INT. OFFICE/BOARD ROOM - MORNING

A room full of bored businessmen stare at a projection
screen, not even trying to feign interest. An anxious,
upbeat guy (GLEN) points at the screen with a long stick,
poking a pie chart colored different shades of gray.

GLEN
...and as you can see, our annual
profits have gone down by two
percent. With my plan however, we
can flip that around!

One of the businessmen (DARREL) pulls out a bottle wrapped
in a brown paper bag. While Glen looks at the screen he
quickly takes a swig and puts it back in his coat pocket.

GLEN
The first step in my plan, as I've
already demonstrated in this
presentation, is to stop using
color in any office documents. It
may not seem like much now, but
when you consider the total
savings from, say, all of the
printed copies I've left under
your chairs to look at for future
reference, it really adds up!

A few people look under their chairs and groan, but most
continue to stare absentmindedly. Darrel picks up the packet
and looks through it.

Slide three is about using the backs of old printed
documents to print new ones. Slide four is just a big block
of text that says "We'll spend half as much on paper every
year!"

Darrel crams the packet into his pocket and thinks.

DARREL (V.O)
(Completely
earnest, without
a hint of sarcasm)
Thank God, I was running out of
toilet paper.
(Beat)
I wonder if slide two is supposed
to be serious? Nah, someone must
have screwed with it while he was
Busy...

DARREL'S POV:

Glen turns to look at the screen again, Darrel takes another
drink. The Power Point goes to slide two.

GLEN
The next thing we can do- and this
is critical- is to not wash your
hands every time you go to the
bathroom. Believe me, no one will
care, and water is expensive.

DARREL
You're joke- So we should use hand
sanitizer then?

GLEN
(Indignant)
Well I guess that could work, if
you wanted to bring your own or
something. Maybe...

Darrel takes another drink, this time Glen is looking right
at him.

FADE TO:

INT. OFFICE/BOARD ROOM - LATER

DARREL is very drunk, his eyes are half shut and he's
smiling widely. GLEN is still presenting, now on slide
eight.

GLEN
...and the biggest reason that
it's important to turn your
monitor off when you get up to use
the restroom--

Suddenly a younger man (STEVE) jumps onto the table.

STEVE
This is so fucking boring!

Steve turns around and kicks someone out of their chair. Cue
Wilhelm scream.

GLEN
Hey, settle down back there.

DARREL'S POV:

Glen is pointing his stick at Steve accusingly, from off
screen we hear a handgun get cocked. Darrel takes another
drink.

FADE TO:

INT. OFFICE/BOARD ROOM - LATER

Sirens blare and everyone is huddled around GLEN, except for
DARREL, and STEVE who's nowhere to be found. One of the
people in the crowd (JOSH) stands up.

JOSH
Okay, the ambulance is on their
way. You're gonna be alright,
Glen.

Darrel is still sitting at his chair, flipping through the
Power Point packet.

Slide nine is titled "How The Local Bookie Can Actually Help
Our Business (As Long As We Don't Bet On The Rams)"

RANDOM WOMAN (O.S.)
There's no gunshot wound!

JOSH
What?

Josh takes a closer look at the projector screen and finds a
bullet whole about where Glen was standing.

JOSH (CONT'D)
Goddamn it, he didn't even get
shot!

Glen finally comes to.

CLOSE ON: Glen's Face.

GLEN
The sound of the gunfire was just
so much, I must have blacked out.
Thank you every--

REVEAL: Everyone is back in their chairs. Darrel is taking
another drink.

GLEN (CONT'D)
(Sighs)
Now, getting back to the
presentation--

Everyone groans, Darrel falls to the floor.

FADE TO BLACK.

RANDOM WOMAN (V.O.)
I think Darrel's dead.

GLEN (V.O.)
Nah...

DARREL makes a very loud bowel movement.

GLEN (V.O.)
(Beat)
Okay, he's dead. So, the next
thing we need to do...

THE END.


Comments

Holy shit this is crazy

Thanks, that's what I was shooting for.